Hi y'all.
Been a while since I posted anything in this forum.
It's been a bad couple weeks. Got drunk behind the usual can't-quite-place it stuff... bunch of everything and bunch of nothing really.
Forget moderation, that wasn't really my style. I just got drunk. One liter of bourbon. And then I did it again the second day--although, truth be told, I didn't technically sober up in between. And I repeated that for a while. I did, however, switch to store brand whiskey bottles--1.75l costs the same as a liter of Beam, and I rationalized that neither was much better for my body anyways. Of course, the problem was, I kept drinking a bottle a day... Plenty of times I didn't want to drink, but I hurt so bad all over I knew it'd take the pain away for a little while longer.
Ever since last July when I sobered up for the first time, I've been trying to stay sober. It's just not working. I don't seem to have enough motivation--not to stay sober, but I suppose to stay around. I'm far from suicidal, I just keep hanging on hoping there'll be a purpose to life to make it seem worthwhile while I'm here on Earth.
The last few months, I've finally found a group of AA people who don't ignore me--but I'm not in the same living or financial situation as they are. A couple of other new people are in sober livings or other assorted places, but most of the people are well-established in sobriety and society. Which is actually kinda nice, because listening to their stories, I can see if they could do it, I could do it.
There were a couple problems with it all though. I've been meaning to post this for about a week now (which in retrospect, I should have done *before* I ended up lost in a bottle or 10...) but here goes... for better or for worse.
Religion seems to be a sticking issue--not a new thing here, I know, although I don't have any problems with the concept of a God... who I choose to call God. I have never had, and in fact, that's one of the strongest reasons I have to stay sober... I don't believe He put me on this Earth to waste what He gave me. But the last couple weeks, a couple disturbing things happened. First, a lady after a meeting told me after my last relapse that I would never get better until I learned a different concept of God. In itself, this wouldn't have bothered me... one person's opinion. But about a week later, different meeting, someone shared that they had finally decided to give up their beliefs in favor of others... again, I'm not against people seeking their own beliefs. Actually, I'm very much for that--whether or not they agree with my own. It was how she worded it that disturbed me--like it wasn't so much as free choice but more finally succumbing to the group conscience. And the followup speakers all congratulated her... I went home uneasy.
Another problem I was having was getting rides. Can't drive, says DMV. So... these AA meetings people are willing to drive me. Or so I keep hearing, "call me... we can go to a meeting together." I have nor had no reason to doubt their sincerity. What became the problem was getting rides during the weekdays... everybody was more than willing to drive me on Saturday and Sunday (my sponsor included... so no reason to even ask for a ride).
This 90 meetings in 90 days... I was ready willing and able to go along with it 'cause nothing else had worked so far, and I'm a definite believer in if you're gonna do something, do it right. If nothing else, I would never be able to know if it worked or not--'might coulda' would always be on my mind if it hadn't. So I was trying for 90 meetings... and getting turned down by the dozens. The calls became the most painful/ stressful part of my school week.
The third or perhaps overall problem I have with AA is not AA's fault at all. It's my problem.
They claim it's a new life, with new sober friends. What with everybody having family/work/other obligations... it's 1.5 hours a day and a few minutes chatting after. I get that at school. After-AA activities, well, I've pretty much struck out the few times it's come up... I don't have a car and most of the people are in the same city... I'm in the next one. The last time it came up, the lady who drove me there suggested to someone who was going out that they might invite me. As soon as we were alone to work out the details, the person going suggested reasons I might not want to go--although I did not see that until after the meeting, when she finally just slipped out the door without a word. The lady who had driven me passed me off to someone else, who actually laughed at my accent when I was giving the directions at the end. I have never been so humiliated, and I have been humiliated a time or two. I'm an alcoholic--goes with the territory. I almost cried. And I did decide not to worry about ever having a sober friend... not worth the cost.
I had debated just not going on those two days that were the hardest of all... and follow the rest of the program anyways, even if it wasn't a perfect match. It was working sorta well... Kinda like the next level of SR... SR didn't cure me but it sure kept me much more sober than pre-SR... AA did the same, only much much more sober.
Of course, then I got drunk... and in one of those Murphy Law type moments, someone called me to ask if I needed a ride to the meeting. I told her it would probably be inappropriate... She insisted, and told me I might get something out of it. She did, however, demand that I don't throw up in her car. I am happy to report that I did not (although that would have been strange anyways). Nobody at the meeting was upset with me--although I started shaking halfway through and had to go smoke a cigarette and a few people thought I'd wandered away. Several were supportive. I didn't go back though, yet, although I think I will tomorrow night.
Now the drinking is not in any way the fault/result even of anybody in AA. I'm using it as a tool as I'm sure most if not all of the other members are. It's just I can't seem to get over those few minor points... any advice? Cause whether they're real or imagined, my problem or an infrastructural problem with this area/AA/whatever... they're real enough to cloud my mind into having resentments.
I'm only on the first step, but those resentment issues are something I've been working on for a long time now, pre-sobriety even. I used to have a serious temper problem... I can't afford to have lingering irritants. So anyways, since I can't think of anything... was wondering if y'all might.
My sincere apologies for the length. I should have posted this all as it arose, which would have made for three little posts.
Take care, and I thank y'all who read through it all.
TB