BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Okay, sorry. It's a can-o-worms.
First off, I want to say, JenT, your post moved me. It was SO to the heart. So real. So my experience. Deep. Thank you for that. It's a keeper.
Iwant - I can give you my experience.
My AH's drinking was very covert. He drank "normally" around me. He did a lot of hiding. He did not show any signs of devolving - he's responsible, kind, gentle, etc.
When I finally realized he was drinking a ton and hiding it, I told him.
It is important to say that after I saw the empties, I reviewed my relationship and realized I had been in denial about the signs and my husband's capability to lie to me. I began to see that there was a panoply of things that we did not talk about because he freaked out if I went near them *and* I was complicit and left them alone. I saw his drinking as another thing I was complicit in ignoring and the denial had to stop.
So, I screwed up my courage (it took a ton) and laid it all out. All the red flags I saw, the behaviors I saw, my participation, and what I wanted (counseling or AA for him).
He did all the standards - minimize, deny, distract, blame shift, curse, yell, be "devastated at my character bashing", said I wasn't letting him be human, etc. etc. He eventually left, saying the relationship was over...and came back 2 days later like nothing happened. (You can read all this in my early posts - and people's replies)
We then entered a period of 3 months of me reeling, him alternating being AWFUL - grumpy, sullen, depressed, sarcastic, fatalistic, and being normal.
He said he'd quit that first night (just to please me and/or get me off his back) and later said he didn't want to quit. He is now 100% underground. Still drinking, but no alcohol in the house or drinking in my presence.
We're pretty stalemated now. Distant. Can't talk without a quick shut down from him. He's convinced it is ruined. He sees no hope.
What I have changed is I am speaking about my needs. What I want from that talk and what I want in our relationship.
I am getting totally stonewalled.
My husband insists that I have dealt a fatal blow to our relationship by being so hurtful that night. He is sure I don't love him, in fact I hate him, and want to get out. (Quack quack quack)
That hurts deeply.
Nonetheless, I am happy I talked to him. Why?
The good thing I got out of this is that I got to see this yuck.
See, I didn't deal with this side of him because I pleased him (in the past). I let be what he wanted to avoid, even if it was important to me. So, everything was good. Now, I am a stand for my needs mattering and it has UPSET THE APPLE CART!
But I am USING that to see the whole of this relationship.
And I'm not backing down on my needs mattering.
And it is pushing us towards ending our relationship (which sucks eggs!).
But it is real. What I see it REAL. Not denial. And that gives me a sense of freedom (in the midst of my depression at the whole state of affairs).
So, there you go. HE has not changed from "the talk".
If I were to do it again, I would consider doing a "real" intervention (like the TV show) with all the friends and family. It might have reached him...but then again...
Good luck.
w