SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

02-15-2010, 10:09 PM

# 5 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hi PuzzledinTX, I'm an ACoA who has pretty much cut off her AF. He is sober a fair amount these days, but also in complete denial about his alcoholism. Also in complete denial that he is in any way responsible for his choices/actions/behavior while drunk, because if he doesn't remember it, then it didn't happen - to him or to the other people involved.

lol, the chip on my shoulder is still fresh. But for me, this is what I can't emotionally bear about my AF, sober or not. but the crux of it is that his health is also deteriorating, he still chooses to drink and smoke and would do so nonstop if he could. I definitely relate to this guilt, and it also prevented me from standing up for myself or vocalizing my misery in being forced to stand and watch him self-destruct.

Cutting off ties was very difficult - largely because after I did this, there was a cascade of other family members who stopped putting effort into me. To some extent I am responsible for this, as I have maintained with all my family members that I will not call/visit/etc. if it means having to deal with him. I am happy and eager to do so otherwise. This puts an added pressure on them, as they are struggling just as I did to balance the recipe of guilt, denial, silence, and defeat that living with my AF entails. But for my own sanity, I prefer not to deal with him if I am trying to get a hold of you. The result has been a gradual loss of family connections, which I was not prepared for.

I have a good relationship with my sister, who also rejects our family dynamic. My mom will still call me, if AF's out of the house. My brother almost never makes an effort to talk to me. I consider both my mom and brother to be under the influence of alcoholism - even though they don't drink, they are still maintaining appearances, putting him to bed when he comes home wasted, making excuses for why his life is particularly hard-done compared to everyone else, etc. They are still victimized by guilt.

Sometimes I am torn in wondering if I am selfish for leaving them there, or if I am more selfish for trying to control them by telling them they should leave/distance/etc. What I have learned here is that other people have a right to make their own decisions and live their own lives. I may not be happy with their choices, but it will be healthier for me to accept that those are their choices than to try and control that outcome.

Perhaps this experience depends on how immeshed the rest of your family is with your AF, and how much of a support network you have outside of alcohol-associated family members. For me, it was a rough time because (a) half of my family is still immeshed, and (b) I moved far away, isolating myself from close friends, and having a very minimal support network to get through the first year of realizing "I have no family".

I also found that I was very uncomfortable hearing other people talk about their families, because it drudged up so much shame for myself in "failing" to have one. Thankfully I've moved forward, past that part of my grief now.

If you can set up and maintain healthy boundaries with your AF that work for you - kudos!!! But if dealing with your AF severely impacts your well-being, then it has become imperative to your health (mental, emotional, physical) that you take care of yourself. It certainly doesn't mean you love him any less.