Thursday
Well, it's Thursday and my AH and I haven't been speaking to each other since Sunday. Not all that unusual in our house but the last couple of months had been going pretty well... because we haven't been living together during that time. He comes up on weekends. This past weekend he got in one of his moods. His excuse for being angry was missing the Super Bowl. Missing the game was his choice. Our boys were competeing in a race and he wanted to be there even though it meant being hours away from the couch. He could even have watched the game where we were but apparently it's not the same. The thing is... he's treating me like it's my fault. I learned long ago his moods are not my fault but even he's got to see it this time, hasn't he? I mean, from the time the game started he's been in that red faced, tight lipped angry place with me. One of the things that's odd is he can turn around and be civil with other people if it suits him. It's all crazy making and he's not even here. He calls to say goodnight to the boys and that's it. Why do I let him get to me?
He's been a thousand times worse. I don't know why this is bugging me so much right now. I guess I'm just sick of it. The boys and I are supposed to go home when race season is over in April. I'd be tempted not to go but this short term lease has us financially over extended as it is. And, of course, there would be drama that I don't want to deal with. Before we moved up here for the Winter, AH said he was going back on antabuse and quitting drinking again. We'll see. Even if he does quit drinking... I don't know if his behavior will ever really be acceptable. At least when he's sober, he doesn't actively try to fight with me and then pass out snoring on the couch... which just becomes so unattractive after awhile. But, he rarely behaves in a way that makes me feel like I'm in a safe and loving relationship. He does take care of us financially. Honestly, one of my fears is if I left him, he would fall apart completely and the business would fall apart as well. He has threatened that it would happen. I have children with disabilities who I homeschool and they would be very damaged if our family split up, if they had to deal with visitation, if they had to go back to school. So, I guess as long as long as I can protect them more with our family in tact than I could if we split up, I'll keep hoping for the best. It's just so depressing right now.