I was an alcoholic, but I never used a recovery programme either...so I know from experience you're making it hard for yourself,
I had a million reasons for keeping secrets too, and some of them seemed unquestionably valid, but my addiction overtook my attempts to keep it secret in the end.
By that time it was just such a relief to ask for help from my friends/family and get it.
Today I think nothing beats my health and well being as a priority.
If nothing else, I encourage you to use SR as much as you can - noone does this alone
D