HIYA 1234!
Welcome - glad you found SR....
You ask a lot of great questions....
I was in a similar situation in that I started dealing with my ACOA (child of alcoholic) issues at the same time I was coming to grips with my brothers alcoholism.
Looking back I realize I had this urge to want to fix things right away! To find out what was the right thing to say, think, and do. (very natural for a codie!)
But it wasn't until I worked the steps and really, really accepted that I am powerless over other people and alcohol that my path became more clear. I also educated myself about the seriousness of alcoholism and the reality of the progression of the disease.
Meaning, I began to strive for a steadiness of of mind, instead of a reactive mind. I armed myself with the good tools from AlAnon and I accepted the reality of how difficult it is for an alcoholic to stop drinking and find recovery. I came to understand that no single word, statement, ar action on my part was going to make an impact on the situation - but my attitude could make a huge impact on me & my mental health. And that is a big enough problem to try to tackle.
So I would mention AlAnon and maybe hand over some of the literature, the telephone number, etc, once, to my BIL.
I would accept that there is no perfect thing to say because the alcoholic will drink whether I say something or not. So the perfect thing for me to say is the thing that does not enable - which is simply "I love you and I truly hope you find the strength to tackle this problem. here's the number to local AA, many there have been in your shoes. If you ever want a ride to a meeting I'm happy to oblige." Once.
I never offer myself as "If you ever want to talk..." because in my past that has usually opened the door to alot of frustrating "quacking" conversations with the alcoholics. I've come to see that I can be compassionate towards my bros, I can speak to them of all the beautiful things in this world, I can offer to help in any way I can that is not enabling, but I cannot help them get sober! That's just outside my scope.
A fabulous and sometimes painful journey of self-discovery started when I got into AlAnon and therapy and started dealing w/ my childhood. I hope your voyage of discovery is fruitful!
Glad you're here! Keep posting -
b