1234

Hi everyone.

After reading all of your thoughtful perspectives shared in the "codependency on SR" thread, I'm finally ready for my first post.

I have been lurking for months, and I've been impressed by the range and depth of understanding I've seen. What a resource! I feel like I've been getting free therapy. So thanks.

Here's my situation:

I'm an adult child of alcoholics, and am 2 months into dealing with the realization that I have another alcoholic in my life. I've suspected that this person was an alcoholic for many years, but when it was confirmed 2 months ago, the intensity of my reaction made it clear to me that I need some help. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but I guess I was in denial. What I felt - instantly - was intense grief. Then add in every other negative emotion you can think of and put it on "rapid cycle". I went to AlAnon right away, and that's been helping. SR has really helped, too.

The alcoholic is my sister-in-law. She's been an alcoholic for at least 10 years, and about a year ago her husband started to come to grips with it. She hasn't started recovery yet, and I haven't talked to her about it. They have a small child.

Our family is now talking regularly about things like treatment particulars, finances, plans, and her possible objections to treatment, and I'm coming to understand that my codependency is really being activated.

I'm obsessively questioning myself: How can I help her husband without being obtrusive? Should I point out the enabling I see him doing? If so, how often? Or is that an unhealthy urge to control? How many times should I invite him to AlAnon with me? What's the perfect thing to say when I finally talk with her? Etc. etc etc. Well. I guess you all know the score.

My basic question is this: How do I know when I'm being helpful in a healthy way? I don't trust my brain! Do you have a sort of "litmus" that helps you differentiate being helpful from being codependent? A question you ask yourself? I need to know that I'm doing everything I can to help protect that child.

I don't understand where to work for serenity, and where to work for courage.

Thanks,

1234