if i say something to someone one time, i'm communicating. If i say it again, i'm making sure i've been heard. If i say it again, most likely i'm trying to control the outcome, and i need to remember that i'm not in control of anyone else.
True.
No one can control how what we say is received. My concern is not with individuals pointing out honest facts ("you have choices," "there's another way to look at this"), but with the lack of care with which that honesty is sometimes delivered.
At times there appears to be a lack of intuition on the part of some self-proclaimed "honest" posters. A small minority seem either completely unaware of, or completely indifferent to, the fact that they are dealing with someone who is not there yet, is new to recovery, and/or to whom the old timers' line "what are you getting out of this" might be terrifyingly confrontational.
To the moderators here, who have dealt with thousands of newbies coming through the door, it can be painfully clear when a respondent doesn't really care per se about the person being spoken to, but instead is intent on making a point. (Often indicated by indignance when the O.P. dares say that their feelings have been hurt. The truther has to explain away what they've said, why feelings SHOULDN'T have been hurt, dissecting a post into blue quote boxes to skillfully argue every point...)
When a respondent seems so intent on "winning the argument" that they cannot see the damage their unedited candor is causing, then the mods on this forum will take action, for everyone's sake.
For every person who finds the courage to post, there are dozens, perhaps hundreds of others who simply read, praying they'll find help, and if they perceive SR to be a hostile environment, we have effectively driven them away from a place where they could've found healing. It is these people we're concerned with too.
Just because it
shouldn't hurt doesn't mean it
doesn't hurt. SR is for everyone who needs help, not just for those with thick skins.
The best advice I ever received about how to be a good citizen here was this: Post with love or don't post at all, and keep the Ignore button handy.