Alizerin,
One of the first things I learned from this side of the street, was to stop using 'you' when it came to 'need' 'should' 'could' etc.
"You need help" became "I can't provide the help you need."
"You should" turned into saying nothing at all or "May I offer a suggestion?" if I truly had something important/helpful to share.
I had to stop telling my daughter what or how to do something, and let her find her own way. If she wanted help, she knew to ask for it and I knew to
"wait for the question." I learned that last part at her rehab.
I never thought such subtle shifts in language would have a huge impact in my life, my thought patterns. Doing simple things like that put the focus back on me and my boundaries. All my relationships are more smooth now and very respectful. Especially the one with my RAD
