Ghost...feel free to continue posting and lurk around some of the threads too...alot of us are totally out of control by the time we realize there is a problem, but when we look back at our drinking it becomes clear the problem started way before we realized it.
For me alchoholism is disease of perseption...one way it manifests itself is in the mind....that sounds like perhaps what you are describing.
My mind simply lied to me...twisted facts and cercumstances to meet my wants....or sometimes just my preconceptions that were negative in nature.
I struggled some with the definition of alchohoic, because I never decided to not drink and then drank ....that i could see.... After coming to AA at age 28, and returning to drinking neumorous times it became clear that was partly an age and environment thing....We always partied whenever it was available and control was never considered an option lol....thus i hadn't expreinced trying to quit and being unable to
Anyhow...crusing the threads and possibly trying an AA meeting or Smart or some other program...might give you an opportunity to explore your questions and come to a conclusion...just keep in mind that our mind will naturally try to lie to us about our ilness....so look closely