Hey everyone, me again
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my own insanity around alcohol. The longer I am sober, the more insane I realize I was. Part of my ongoing recovery maintenance effort is to remember where I have come from, so I find it helpful to look back in order to move forward.
I know that we all have done many of these things and the denial of this disease caused us to view ourselves as normal and to also convince ourselves that no one was aware of our deceptions.
Well...so here goes a little soul purging:
I started out being a wine/beer drinker and switched to Vodka to disguise the smell.
I lied to my family and told them I was tired, had taken Benadryl, had taken Ibuprophen but had not been drinking.
I hid Vodka in closets, trash cans, and bushes. When I woke up in a panic, at night, I often couldn't remember where I had put it and had to go find it, right then, in order to reassure myself. If I couldn't find it, I would panic even more out of terror that one of my family would find it.
Because I would blackout regularly, I would often take "notes" so that I could recall events the next day.
I took "Chaser", an OTC pill that promised "no hangovers". I also took Alka Seltzer for the same reason.
I would plan my days around drinking: where I would get it, when I would drink it, how I would get rid of the empties.
I would plan when to call my sponsor. I would make the call b4 I drank. I would never have called her after..but even as I left a chirpy little happy message, I had already bought the bottle.
I'm sure more things will come to me, but thanks for letting me come clean here. It feels good to expose these secrets to the light.