my first post after reading this site for months
I've never had the balls, or whatever, to post on here. I guess by posting you have to admit certain things about yourself that I haven't been ready to admit. So it's kinda scary. I've read enough on here to know you all know where I'm coming from.
I've been taking prescription pain meds for the last 5 years on and off. I wouldn't say I lost anything, or had any friendships or relationships hurt by it until recently. I know right now, I have no stable living situation or job because these pills have taken a front-stage to almost everything in my life. I've always been able to put them down when I had to, I've got 3 kids and didn't take anything while I was pregnant with them. But in between being pregnant I always got the urge to use them again. I guess because I could morally do it and not be harming anyone but me for the first time in 9 months, and I made plenty of other excuses too.
This last time I picked them back up, I guess, the last relapse, it's the scariest. I don't know where to go and I don't know who to talk to. I tried to go to a crisis center where they will find you therapy or things of that nature if you have drug or mental problems, but the interface wasn't friendly and I of course got too scared to go back.
Everytime I try to stop using I get sick and give in after a few days. I haven't even had the will to quit on my own, just when I don't have the cash. I have wasted thousands on this crap, I can't stop. I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years, and even though I think he was no good for me in many many ways, I think that the drugs are what killed it for real. I know he loved me truly, we have 2 children together... but I lied to him so much he stopped trusting me, and it lead to a lot of other issues. He never understood the drug addiction thing, and he always put me down for it, so I know he was no good for me, really, but he was just ignorant to the mental part of it I think. I don't know...I'm rambling, how do you stop? and yeah, I'm ready to stop. I used to be a good mom, a wonderful friend, and a good girlfriend. Now I feel like I'm none of that. help?