Yup it's me again, the crazy girl who got her topic closed because she didn't want to hear any more about seeking professional help for her codependancy, actually being happy with it.
But I guess it wasnt a therapist what I needed, I needed to convince myself in the first place that I can't go on with it anymore, and even if the feelings I had for him kept me alive somehow, they drained the life out of me at the same time (what a nonsense, but it's true). So the battle bagan, not long ago, I started to detach myself slowly from my addicted loved one. Practically I made myself understand that this is going nowhere, he is not able to have a relationship of any kind, it's like 2 people living inside of him.. when he's high, gives you the impression he has a heart and feelings, but then when he's sober, he turns into a piece of stone, a treetrunk has more feelings than he has. Maybe I sound mean, but it's the truth. And I lost any hope he will ever change. He simply doesn't want to... He would just confuse me and hurt me over and over again.
This doesn't mean I've cut contact with him, we'll always be friends and I'll always be there to support him, I know he needs me even though he would never admit it, and I don't have the heart to ditch him. I know he's messed but he's still a human being. I guess one way or another I'll always love him. Though, the change is pretty clear. I haven't been online much lately, so I haven't talked to him in about 2 weeks, and the insane craving for a single "hi" is gone, and I'm feeling hmm.. free? I don't think and worry about him 24/7 anymore, and finally occupying my time with anything else. My sleeping schedule is going back to normal also(which I never thought it would happen).
I'm still around here lurking from the shadows, you guys really helped alot, this was the first place where I started to learn about addiction and codependancy. Now I just hope I won't "relapse" at some point.. you'll see me back here whining and crying, though I don't think this will happen, I'll make sure it won't.
Thank you all for your support once again, and I wish you all the best
~damnedone