I hate myself and could quite easily hurt myself.
First of all, I spent many years feeling the same way. I really want to encourage you to seek some professional help in regards to wanting to hurt your self. It is VERY important that you let the professional know about your drinking.
i can't bear the fact that he will eventaully see me as a drunken crying mess.
He does not need to see you that way, all 6 of my kids did see me that way sadly, but thier fear/shame and despising having a father who was a drunk have all vanished now because I found a solution for my life and my drinking problem. I found that solution in the fellowship & program of AA.
I would suggest right after you see a doctor and get totally honest you check out AA, what do you have to lose? A drinking problem? What do you possibly have to gain? A solution for life and a drinking problem along with making sober freinds?
If you find AA is not to your liking there are other recovery programs as well. There is no reason to fight this alone when you are not alone.