I had written a long reply to your post about buying him a car but I guess I didn't submit it or something. Anyway . . . .
Suddenly he wants to go to treatment huh? Imagine that. Seems like most of us addicts, when we're at the end of our rope run to treatment. I did it! But, there was one time when I had 7 months clean. I spent 4 months of that time in an inpatient treatment center, then when I got out I was going to Meetings every day, had a support system and when I went in front of the Judge, he didn't care. Off to prison I went. . . for a year.
When I read the part where you said you were considering buying him a car when he got out of treatment I almost fell out of my chair. IF he goes to treatment and IF he completes treatment, he needs to work for everything when he gets out. If anyone pads the way for him, it's only going to hurt him more. The enabling has to stop! It's not like he's your child who is graduating from high school and you decide to reward him with a car. When I got out of detox this last time, my Mom, who was my biggest enabler told me that she was no longer giving me money or driving me around, even to Meetings or the Methadone Clinic. I was on my own. So I had to catch buses to get everywhere. Each day that I had to go to the Methadone Clinic, I spent nearly a total of 5 hours to get there and back on the bus. In a car, it was about a 12 minute drive. But I did it. With every transfer on the buses, I had time to think about what I was doing, where I had been, where I didn't want to go back to but most of all, I realized that this was my fight and my fight alone. When I got off the last bus, I had to walk 9/10 of a mile to get to the Clinic. I did this in the heat of the summer, through thunderstorms, the dead of winter when there was a foot of snow on the ground and it was 2 degrees outside. I had to fight for my Recovery and he has to as well. I had to be willing to go to any length to stay clean, just for that day. And you know what? I began to hold my head up, I started to take pride in the fact that I was doing what I had to do for my Recovery. Each month when the 25th rolled around, I held my head up a little higher and there was a little more pep in my step. I've often wondered how different things would have turned out if my Mom had enabled me when I got out of detox. I seriously doubt I would be clean today, much less be alive.
As far as the settlement, hasn't he already taken enough money from this marriage? If you sat down and added up the money he blew from his 401K plan, the cost of the vehicles he's totaled, money you've given him for the Methadone Clinics, the cost of gasoline, attorney fees (including the Walmart incident) money that he lost because he wasn't working, and everything else, I think that would add up to quite a bit of money he has already taken from the marriage. After all of this, I seriously doubt any Judge in Divorce Court would expect you to split up your assets with him. And then the check from the insurance company? If your papers say that neither of you can take any large amt of money out of the marriage right now, I'd think there would be some action that could be taken regarding this.
You don't owe him anything! Nothing, nada! Being fair went out the window a long time ago. Please don't give him things just to speed the divorce along. I know you want it over with but is it really worth giving up some of your assets just to please him? He hasn't thought of you and the kids for a long time. And what about after the marriage is over with, do you for see any child support in the future? You hang tough and don't give in! You should at least be able to keep everything that YOU have worked for in this marriage.
Stay strong Sweetie and know that I am praying for you,
Judy