Jasper - I totally understand...I also have depression and terrible anxiety under normal circumstances. The alcohol really amped that up to nearly unbearable levels. That was a big reason as to why I finally said, "Enough." I just couldn't stand it anymore. I can tell you that any rough spots I've had as a result of recovery pale in comparison to the physical and mental hell/merry go round I was on while drinking.
And honestly, the only thing that made the difference was accepting the fact that I can't control it - not consistently, and not without all the mental gymnastics. So, I just stopped. And life has been so much better...even early on in this journey.