Oh Honey....NOOOOOOOOOOOO- I just made myself something to eat, plopped my butt down to see how everybody's holding up and I read this. Oh, man.
I so get where you are coming from, I really do. The panic of not being with him anymore is very strong. It's OUR ADDICTION, really.
It's hard to let them go...and you just can't believe that he would "choose" drugs over you. He's gone, honey...in a very bad place. All you can do is get out of his way and let him do this on his own.
I used to be in an abusive relationship many years ago. And I sort of got used to it. Sick, right? But I wasn't getting what I needed from him emotionally. And when I felt his interest in me slip away, I would look for the fight. I needed to FEEL something...ANYTHING from Him. I was desperate. I knew what buttons to push...and I pushed them. The adrenaline just went right through me and I would feel "alive" somehow. Then after the fight, I would play victim. Crying, angry, confused, all of it.
It was like I was testing him in a way to see if he really cared for Me. And when the outcome was different from my twisted expectations, I felt like I was let down and abandoned. And the cycle would start all over again.
This is a very dangerous place for you to put yourself in...you are fighting your own addiction to him and the dynamic between the two of you at the moment is extremely volatile.
Resist the urge and stay here with us for a little while. Just please don't try to get in his way...he's asking you not to.
((((((( the biggest hug I can squeeze out of my 5'2" self ))))))))