I can remember about 4 years ago, inviting my AH to my eldest son’s birthday who was turning 18. My AH wasn’t living with us at the time and I felt guilty and hoped we could still maintain some family traditions. In previous years, he had always been able to sober up for these special days and I had hoped he would do the same for his son’s birthday.
Unfortunately, the birthday turned into a disaster. First, I had to keep calling my AH to remind him to show up ... something I never had to do in the past when he would always pull it together for birthdays. I had everything ready...the gifts purchased and wrapped ... and well as the cake. My son was waiting patiently for his dad to show up. He finally showed up 90 minutes late, completely out of it ... stammering and confused ... and in a hostile, nasty mood. I was shocked as he had never done this on a birthday. I tried everything I could to remain calm as he rambled incoherently. As my son finally proceeded to opening the presents, his dad made one surly comment after another about the gifts I had chosen. I was again shocked at how his behavior had progressed to such a new low - and once the gifts were all opened, I had to ask him to leave and try to salvage the rest of my son’s birthday. He became angry and aggressive...hurling insults as he slammed the door ... only to return 2 more times just to yell more insults at me.
In hindsight, I had so wished I had not invited my AH come to my son's birthday that year. It would have been a little strange to not have him at the birthday... but it would have been so much better than the nightmare that unfolded and all the horrible memories it left behind. In the years since, we have created new memories for those birthdays and my sons and I now have new traditions... the nightmares have slowly been replaced with smiles and joy once more. Change can seem difficult at first but, in time, those new memories will heal the past pain.