Well said, Alice.
Mlewis, you are not powerless, you CAN make your life so much better.
I also thought I loved an ex alcoholic bf, when he drank he started insulting me and making me cry horribly.... I thought it was the drink, that his mom died from a bad stomach disease, that his sister had the same disease and he had spent a night in the hospital with her, that he was away in a new city... excuses that I believed.
You cant control his drinking
Nothing external will change his drinking
Alcoholics are experts in empty promises
You cant cure him
You didnt cause his problem
You couldnt have prevented it
You are just in charge of YOURSELF.
There is NO excuse for abuse and disrespect.. NO excuse.. people go through tough stuff, and none of that gives you the right to stomp over another human.. I hope you can go to a counselor... none of what you are living is your responsibility or problem at all.
No context will make an abuser stop being an abuser... he has already hit you.. what comes next? when will it be enough for you? there are posters here that have physical limitations and pain due to their ex partners.. and it hurts a lot to witness that. You are still alive and healthy and deserve a joyful life.