Hey there Joe. Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. You remind me of exactly where I was two months ago when I finally gave in, threw in the towel and joined AA. You see, I drank much for the same reasons as you. For as long as I can remember, I felt awkward around others. I hated being in large groups of people, I had trouble making conversation and I never felt "right" in my skin. Drinking helped me become a social butterfly. On vodka, I am fearless, and the life of the party. Trouble is, the day after drinking, and increasingly more often, when I was drinking, I really felt terrible inside. The mental breakdowns started coming sooner and sooner. My depression meds "helped" me drink more and more, but my depression got worse. Once I REALLY joined into my home group of AA, I found that I am not alone. In fact, just about everyone else in the room was JUST like me. You see, I have a lot of "issues" that I would cover up with alcohol. It just got to the point where the booze wasn't helping at all any more. In fact, I got worse. I was distant from my Wife and Kids and other family members. All I wanted to do outside of drinking was sleep. I now know that I have what a friend calls, "A peculiar mental twist" that makes me think that alcohol is good for me. When in fact, it's the last thing I need. I can't think soundly when drinking. My emotions and feelings became dead and I just didn't want to be that way anymore.
I was scared as hell in dealing with the future without booze, scared as hell in dealing with people, and scared as hell in losing what I had become over 24 years of drinking. You know what, though, I feel a hell of a lot better now. I still have occasional bouts of darkness, but they are coming much less frequently now. I am told that eventually they will be all but nonexistant. I look forward to that. I am now emotionally available to my loved ones and much more honest with myself. It's like seeing life through new eyes.
I am not here to tell anyone what to do, but I can tell you that the alternatives to drinking are much better for me. I wish you the best in your life. Choosing sobriety sure as heck changed mine for the better. Best wishes~GeeQ