keithj

A good sponsor is the best person to explain. First, eyemitalian, it is best to not even consider Step 9 until you are working on Step 9. Once I have my list in Step 8 (compiled mainly from my Step 4), and have become willing to make amends to ALL those I've harmed, only then do I discuss whether or not some of those amends are best left undone. The final judge of that is found through prayer and meditation.

What it boils down to is I don't get to do further damage just so I can asuage my guilt and feel better about myself. The book offers several examples concerning extramarital affairs, legal issues, money issues, etc. In every case, the person must be willing to face any personal consequence to set things right.

The 4th Step is a whole other beast. Nothing counts there except thoroughness and honesty. Everything needs to be divulged. When I have guys 5th Step with me, after we get done going through their inventory, I give them the opportunity to divulge the 5 things that they didn't put on their list. The 5 things they swore they would never tell anybody. And I give the opportunity that if they aren't comfy with me, to divulge those things to a priest or some trusted and close mouthed person.

This is some of the danger of reading the Steps off the wall instead of the specific directions in the pages of the Big Book.