Originally Posted by
GeeQ I am still finding myself in dark places. Quite often. Yesterday I was in my wood shop when the feeling of overwhelming dread came over me. I have trouble relating to my wife and my kids. I am having a hard time trying to find things to take my mind off drinking during down-time. I have discussed this with my sponsor and he says that I need to keep working on the third step. I acknowledge that there is a power greater than me out there, but I just can not bring myself to give myself wholeheartedly to God. I don't want to just "give myself up" when I am not 100% truthful about doing so. My sponsor is a very religious person and speaks of giving himself to God, and that I need to do the same. I fear that I will be on the third step forever, and told my first sponsor this. He laughed and said that he doubted that will be the case. Well, here I am stuck on step three with no end in sight. The fear, self-loathing and pity are getting stronger by the minute. Do I have to face a mental breakdown before I can give myself to my Higher Power? Thanks in advance for any suggestions you may have.
You sound like me at about six months away from a drink. I had fell into the trap of believing that abstinence and meetings treat alcoholism and was coming apart at the seams. Have you ever read page 52 in the chapter "We Agnostics?" There is a paragraph on that page that describes me without a drink. I won't go into it, but you should read it.
Drinking convinced me that I can't drink. Trying to live without a drink convinced me that I can't live without a drink. At six months I was ready to blow my head off, because drinking was not an option. I know what you are talking about-the wanting to drink but not wanting to drink, the feeling of impending doom, trouble relating to people, depression, feeling useless and unsatisfied. Whenever I'd verbalize this stuff in meetings, the only answers I got were cliches like "You are right where you are supposed to be." "Turn it over," "Acceptance, read page 449." Or the one I came to really dislike "This too shall pass." If one more well-meaning idiot would have said that to me I would have grabbed them by the throat because "It" wasn't passing.
It was at this point that I gave up and asked for help. I had met some men who seemed to have a real answer beyond cliches and schedule books with phone numbers. One of them became my sponsor. You know, the day after I asked for help, I saw a reader board at a church. It said "When you are at your wit's end, that is where you'll find God."
My sponsor helped me with the God stuff. I had heard people in meetings say "Just turn it over," and wondered how you do that. He asked me "Can you count four through nine?" That's how you turn it over. I too had reservations about turning it completely over. I said you are asking me to turn my will and life over nothing and he said "Why not, nothing can run it better than you have been." But the kicker was this: he said "Turn as much of yourself as you understand over to as much of God as you understand. God will be revealed to you gently as you reveal yourself to you. God will be revealed to you as you reveal yourself to you." And that has been my experience. I haven't been asked to do anything on this path that will harm me, although some of it has been uncomfortable.
It does sound like you are having some reservations though. Definitely look at them and consider them, because you won't be able to get past Step Three unless you do. But maybe it isn't a Third Step reservation at all. Could it be that you are having First Step reservations?
Jim