I have recently come to understand this type of behaviour as abusive. My parents sound very similar to yours. I spent a long time thinking it was me, that I just needed to explain myself better, I was too confrontational and on and on.
I listened to their criticism of me and believed it. Thinking I was fundamentally wrong I have taken counselling and read a lot of self help books, done journalling, etc.
Whilst learning better ways to 'be', I learnt that the examples of unhealthy behaviour described my parents communication skills rather than my own, and that infact, to accuse, be judgemental etc are verbal abusiveness. To disregard my pain and continue to tell me 'there is something wrong with you' is emotional abusiveness.
My parents both grew up as ACOA. They have not admitted to that, nor spent anytime reflecting how that has shaped them as adults. I know they feel affection toward me, but their behaviour toward me is not love. They may believe it is, but love is not critical or judgemental or blaming.
My attempts at trying to explain why they hurt me with their words falls on deaf ears as they cannot comprehend there is anything wrong in what they say and do, that would require a leap in self-awareness; they have spent too long a time hiding from and denying their pasts. I cannot awaken them to their behaviour just as I cannot help an addict.
I have enforced boundaries with my parents too. The last time I did, I had to take the next step in severity.
Basically my boundary had been that if I felt verbally/emotionally abused I would say that I didn't want to be spoken to in that way. So when my mum started telling me how much she believed people in my life didn't like me, I stood my ground and told her I didn't believe it was her place to tell me so, based on her beliefs and that if anyone has an issue with me they can raise it with me directly.
To this she started telling me that no one would approach me because they are afraid of hurting my feelings, so again I told her that even if that is true, it doesn't mean it falls to her to say on their behalf.
My mum threw a fit that I was being 'hard faced' (bold and cheeky, basically speaking out of turn) and told me to get out of her house. My dad backed her up and told me that there is something wrong with me and I need help.
As much as the term is uncomfortable to me, I am coming to terms with the fact that my parents are abusers. Living in their house for the first 18 years of my life taught me to accept abuse. I was bullied at school and entered a chain of abusive relationships.
When I was punched by my exabf and found the courage to tell my mum, she asked me what had I done to him; as if some behaviour of mine justified his action to hit me.
They are ill. My new boundary is that I don't spend any time in their house. I have spoken to my daughter who is 11 nearly 12 to explain what happens that is not healthy for me or her and how it is wrong. She still wants to spend time there and so I support her in that, although her visits have reduced to 5 times a week to 2. So I literally go to collect her and leave.
It is not ideal and at first was painful to me to distance myself from them, but I know that if I did not I would be opening myself to abuse and I am not allowing that to happen to me. I hope that my daughter has the benefit of my experience and her own strength to make necessary decisions for herself. She is more aware than I was at her age and i have witnessed her stand up for herself to them. They seem to accept it more so from her than me. Probably because she has always done so and they accept it as who she is; whereas I have only recently started to and they see that as a sign of my defiance.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx