Control in Relationships
A recent thread caused me to think about something that I have repeatedly done in relationships. Place the "control" or power in the hands of the other party.
I reacted to my SO's desires and moods, which determined our relationship status. Although I tried to control/manipulate my exA's mood, happiness, emotions, I reacted to him and never really exisited much outside of him. My boyfriend before the alcoholic also had control of our relaitonship. I gave it to him. I don't know why other than I was scared to make a mistake. I didn't want the responsibility and headache of making decisions. In work I am uber-controlling and very decisive. Why then in personal relationships am I so weak?
My family of origin is broken and both parents are extremely self-absorbed, ego-centric and arrogant. I was never good enough growing up. All my choices were criticized. To this day both parents still act this way to me. As a result I have distanced myself from time to time including recently. There is massive guilt for this and I know (they tell other people) that I am ungrateful and selfish to not engage them. I have actually tried talking with them about some of this, but each one finds fault with me...big surprise.
My reason for this thread is to bring attention to what we allow in our lives. For too long many of us have believed (I did) that we had to take whatever other people shoveled our direction. No matter who the person was. Love is the most frequent reason (at least for me) I used to excuse being treated poorly. In hindsight I wish that I would have stated and then acted upon MY truth, boundaries and desires. As and adult I have become pretty good at staing these things, but horrible about following through and acting upon them.
This is just something I wanted to share. I would be interested in hearing about anyone else's experiences and thoughts on this.