Originally Posted by
kudzujean 
My father died of alcoholism when I was in first grade. My only memories of him are unpleasant ones. Such as him fighting with my mother, taking me with him to buy him some beer at a joint where a dog bit me. I had to get stitches.
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
A lot of this post, outside of your dad dying of his disease while you were young, I could relate to. I could write a book on the things my dad unintentionally did while he was drunk (including telling me at the age of 3 to pet the nice doggy outside a bar that was no so nice and almost caused me to lose my eye, I still carry noticeable scars).
However, while my dad has never recovered, I have had the chance to age with him (I'm older than he is in many ways). He has done a lot of good things for me that your dad never had the chance to do, despite his on again off again drinking and lack of recovery.
I guess I'm not really sure how to put it into words, but had your dad lived longer he might have done more damage (as did mine), but he might have done a lot of good (as did mine) and your thoughts might be... Even more tangled ('cause that is how mine are), again why I struggle with words on this one.