It's amazing that the more clean time I have, the more I grow and my understanding of steps grow with me. At first, all what this step meant was quitting drugs. Then I realized I couldnot stay clean without cutting people who use from my life . I had to stop going to places that causes triggers.
After I worked step 2, I noticed that step one involves changing people, places and IDEAS. I have ignored the 3rd part at first or actually didnot understand what it means. My way of life was working fine as I am a smart intelligent person with a good job and high salary. What else can I want more and why should I change? But the funny thing is that with all the materialistic stuff I was still miserable from inside with lots of pain and fears then I started ending up in hospitals with OD's and detox. I still thought I was functional and I tried to put on masks and dress very well to fool people. The thing is I was fooling only me. People could see through my eyes the pain. They were trying to reach through to me but I was too consumed with my self-pity and feeling sorry for myself to look for a different answer. I was indeed in the grip of a disease which told me there's no way to live life without drugs. The pain would be too much to deal with without drugs. So I used , suffered from consequences then I used more to get over the consequnces. I was trapped in a deadly vicious circle. Sandy B said:
12 steps are result oriented not feelings oriented. It doesnot matter what I feel or think.
What matters is facts and the fact is if I was in pain then my way was not working.Thus, I can see that what I really need is a personality change. I have to change my way of dealing with life or else I'll have resentments and use again. I have to start applying accepting and change where ever needed. I cannot deal with life in the same attitudes as I was working because it doesnot work now. If I just quit drugs, I will still have the same problems but without drugs and this is worse. Yet, I should know that change takes time and I should be gentle on myself doing the best what I can do today and leaving the rest till tomorrow. Meanwhile a clean day is always a good day.