sorry to hear of your loss my friend.....im glad you here and welcome to sr.
cubiles right imo.......as human beings there are a series of stages we go through while greif stricken........not always in order.....but normally ending in acceptance........a slow process for some.
As drinkers we learnt quickly that we could change our perception/feelings by "rounding off the edges"..........so we dont see reality or feel reality with any force.
coming to terms with lost loved ones is tough........and it will be tough.
but at least your see and feel it for what it is..........not the rounded off version..
keep us posted on how your doing....