SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

01-13-2010, 04:18 PM

# 4 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hi utopia, I hear your dilemna.

It's bad enough that you're ripped off a decent set of parents. Losing healthy relationships with siblings just rubs salt in the wound. Were people like us meant to have no family?

Remember that alcoholism is a family disease. That means everyone picks up on the social/mental/behavioral infection, whether they're drinking or not. Much like the alcoholic, all family members "hit bottom" in a way before they change (before the pain of staying the same becomes more than the pain of changing).

I have two siblings myself. I believe my sister knew long before I could admit alcoholism was an issue in our parents' house. We both left home and embraced hope in an uncertain future at very different times, following very different paths, when we were ready. Nothing we said to each other meant much until we were both in recovery. Until then, the mental infection we endured growing up with an A-parent was too strong. It triggered to much dysfunction for us to help each other effectively.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your sister is far gone in her "infected" state. As GiveLove said, how would you treat this person if they were not your sibling? Until you see healthy behavior from her, treat her as you've learned to treat the unhealthy people in your family. Family or not, if she's unhealthy, keep your expectations low. If she gets healthy, then you guys can develop your relationship from there. It may or may not be your sister's path to follow the outline your parents gave her. Unfortunately it's not for you to determine.

It's been my experience that rational words don't have much effect on unhealthy people who make irrational choices. The best thing you can do to communicate recovery to her would be with your actions (not your words). I believe unhealthy people DO recognize healthy behavior; it makes them confused, uncomfortable, and causes them to shy away. When your sister makes progress in her own path to recovery, she may finally learn how to recognize your behavior for what it is: healthy and unconstrained by alcoholism. Then she can be encouraged to make the next few steps forward.

FWIW I also have a brother who has estranged himself from me since I backed out from my alcoholic dad's life. In order to protect my feelings, I try to keep my expectations low. I forget that especially while he remains close to my parents, he is unhealthy too and needs ACOA recovery. But I know I can't make him do it, and if I push, it will push him away. All I can do the rare times that we do talk is model healthy behavior. If/when he is ready to change, he'll have at least one person in his life to look to. It's sad because we could be close and supportive of each other, but that's the way this cookie crumbles...