lionheart

Hi All

I had a great day today. I turned my head off from my recovery, I needed a break from it. I walked around happy and honestly felt fantastic.

I went to my AA meeting tonight and was extremely anxious on sharing and I sat there hoping they wouldnt call on me..and of course, they did, first off! It is a beginners meeting so the first half they talk about a topic, tonight..emotions. I sat and listened.

Once the emotion talk started, I heard things that ran through me and I felt those wonderful feelings leave. I am grateful for today and what it gave and also that I am able to be in reality to hear and feel what others said.

So that part goes and I become more and more anxious about having to speak. I suffer panic disorder and fear creeps over me when I have to speak in front of others but once I start it completely goes. In this group, you dont have to stand at the front, so I dont mind speaking as much (my second time ever)

So, I went red, started talking and felt like I was able to tell my story, well some of it. It would have taken hours to tell the whole story, so I told bits of it and then I got to the most recent stuff. The more I spoke, the more I heard words come out of my mouth that shocked me.

I say, about 3 times a week, "Hi, My name is rachel and i am an alcoholic" or something along those lines depending on the meeting I am at. I hear the words, but still very unsure if I believe them. Words are sometimes just words.

I realised through my speaking (and am very grateful they called me tonight now) that I am able to say things without meaning. I never thought I did that but a reality check came my way. I say I am an alcoholic but struggle with believing it. I have days, like yesterday that I am confident in admitting that and surrendering and then have others like today that make me think, maybe Im not an alcoholic.

My mind is the one playing tricks now, I am no longer doing it. My mind tells me I can drink again and will be able to stop. I know, that I cannot survive doing that and its not possible for me stop. I know the reality, deep down, I really do know that but there is a small fight in me that I am currently struggling with.

The older sober memebers tonight came up to me and thanked me, for reminding them of the early struggles. And you know what that said to me....

You can have what they have...a happy sober life.

Thanks for reading - even if it is all over the place!