Daphne, I wish you all the best, so much of what you say here is what I would have said 10 years ago.
I guess weak willed men just seem to run in my family, those who just let a "Habit" get way out of control before they do something about it. My father was an alcoholic, he also had a 21 year military career ending with him being the NCOIC (the very top enlisted person) of a NATO communications center. He was a government employee the last 10 years of his life. He had a clean police record. He was sober and loved it the last 19 years of his life.
My fathers, father was an alcoholic as well, he passed when I was very young, he died from cancer brought about by his drinking, he worked for the same company from the time he was in his early 20's until his death in his early 50s working his way up through the ranks the entire time. He had a clean police record.
Yes this man was an alcoholic who drank himself to death as he worked his way up the ladder, he was not a vagrant, nor a loser, he was a man who refused to see that his drinking was killing him.
My mothers father was an alcoholic as well, he was also a successful farmer and in the seafood industry as a successfull entrepanuer. In his 40s he saw that his drinking was ruining his life even though he was still successful, he quit drinking and lived a happy life into his mid 70s. He had a clean police record.
My younger brother is an alcoholic as well who saw the writing on the wall and quit 30 years ago, he quit early due to knowing the families history with alcohol. He worked for the same company (Major) company for over 30 years, and the last 10 years has been a successful independant contractor. He has a clean police record.
My son is an alcoholic as well, He was in the Marines for 4 years and honorably discharged with 30% medical disability. Once he got out of the Marines he took a position which he still holds with a major DOD contractor. He has been sober for over a year and loving life like he never did before. He has a clean police record.
Know looking at the above do you see a single unsuccessful person?
Do you see a single vagrant?
All of them were, or are alcoholics.
Not a one ever went to jail!
One of them DIED an early death!! What was different about him? He was successful in every part of his life except one, the one thing he refused to see until it was to late was his drinking was killing him, he went to his grave in a state of denial!
My dad died early as well, but he died from a cerebral hemmorage after being sober for 19 years.
You know one of the reasons I kept on drinking for years more then I should of is because my father and brother had both quit drinking so I figured that I too could just stop if I needed to. You see I was the man!!! I used my will power and intellect to succeed in every single thing I put my will and my intellect to!
Well after 25 years of drinking, starting off as a weekend warrior, and then slowly progressing to a daily drinker, and then sneaking a drink at work on occasion, I decided it was time to "Cut Back/Control" my drinking!
Oh I did great!!! At first I would only have 2 beers every day, WOW I was doing so well I upped it to 4.... that went SO well I upped it to 6... then I was drinking as much if not more then I was before I decided it was time to "Cut Back/Control" my drinking.
Well I did the "Cut Back/Control" my drinking for a while and finally admitting to myself this is not working, I decided I will simply quit drinking! At first I would quit for a couple of weeks and then convince myself I am not an alcoholic, there is no way an alcoholic can go 2 weeks with out a drink so I would go back to the "Cut Back/Control" my drinking.
This became a vicous cycle that lasted 5 years with the periods of sobriety becoming shorter and shorter. At about the 35 year point of the progression of my alcoholism, I could not go a single day without drinking, I drank when I did not want to drink!
I had crossed that invisible line that many alcoholics cross while living in a state of denial for years and years, the line of physical and mental addiction to alcohol and I had no idea I had crossed it.
I have NEVER been unemployed in 38 years, I have only worked for 3 different companies during that time, I NEVER got in trouble at work, I had exactly one DUI in those 40 years of drinking and that was 20 years before I quit drinking.
Daphne, I have been where you are at right now, I spent years denying it, rationalizing it, justifying it, convincing myself that I was in total control and was just as invincible to alcohol as I was to any thing else in life.
I can not figure out where you are getting this "Victim" BS from?
Yes you will hear the "Victim" BS from from an ACTIVE alcoholic who is for all intents and purpose still in denial, hell I felt like a victim in life for years while I was drinking.
Any one who is in REAL recovery from alcohol or drugs will tell you that they are not a VICTIM of anything, they accept full responsibility for ALL of thier actions, bot while they are drinking and since they quit.
Please quote one single person on SR who is in REAL recovery who has led you to believe they are a victim.
Now I know there are a lot of folks here really struggling to get clean and sober who may view them selfs as victims at times, but many of us when we were still drinking viewed our selfs as victims.
Being an alcoholic does not make a person a victim, those still active may think they are, but those recovering know they are not victims.
I wish you all the best in not drinking, I would suggest that if you find your self struggling to stay sober to check out recovery programs. If you don't like AA I really am not offended at all, check them all out hopefully you will find one that works for you other then AA.
One thing you will find when you are truly in recovery is that there is no reason at all to speak badly of ANY recovery method, especially when you have never even spent a day, little lone several months working the program.
One thing you will find here is that every person here in real recovery will not say a bad thing about another program, in recovery we share our experience, strength & hope we have found in recovery hoping top help others recover.
Downing any method of recovery helps no one.
Stating reasons that a certain program will not work for one even though they have ever tried it, is the same thing as saying "I would never send my child to that school even though one has never even walked into the building or spoken to anyone who has had a child got to that school.
Honesty, open minded, & willing, the keys to all recovery, no matter the program.