You know, Dee, I have accepted the stigma of being and alcoholic, have for years. But you bring up a very valid point that I have also known but tend to sweep under the rug-I haven't accepted the fact that drinking can never be part of my life. I know I can't control it. I know I will never be able to have a couple of drinks and leave it. Too much of my life has been centered around drinking. Since I was 15 when I took my first serious drinks, it has become a part of me. I look at old photos of me and I most always have a beer in my hand. That will be a great legacy for my children and grandchildren when they look through those photos in the future.
A couple of months back I wrote of going to a party where there were a lot of people drinking. I expressed the recognition that I didn't know how to interact as a sober entity. Then I convinced myself I could do just fine in that situation. Bull###t!!! I am not a pillar of strength, capable of just ignoring the lifestyle I have lived for years. I have yet to truly allow myself to believe that drinking must be out of the picture. On the gut level I have been lying to myself. And that is the reason I relapse. Thank you, Dee, for bringing that to my attention. I have said the words, but down deep am not listening. Until I do that, sobriety will remain a flighty condition that will alway be just on the brink of collapse.
I grow so tired of on and off abstinence. How in the world do I erase those elements that cling so tenaciously? I have a lot of thinking to do before I drift off to sleep.
Peace