So happy to see you back, my friend. You are one of the coolest people here & I learned alot from you as I tried to find my way out of hell.
I could've written your post. I know well that near-panic feeling of passing the convenience store where our so-called relief sits waiting for us. I've never found the answer to why we'd stick our hand in the fire when we know we'll be badly burned. I did it over & over for decades - always thinking of it as a willpower problem.
When I came here and was enlightened - in part by you, Padraic - I gathered the strength to do what had to be done. I could not have gone on another year the way I was. Thank you for helping save my life then, and thank you for this heartfelt post, which is helping me today.