Hey InsideOut,
I've seen your posts on a few other threads and mentioned you in one reply. I believe we are in a very similar boat; we've both seized the tremendous power of making the decision to quit drinking alcohol at roughly about the same time. Beyond any goal I have for 2010 and/or any plans for myself over the next ~365 days, quitting drinking takes the number 1 spot, hands down. I am looking forward to making 2010 a complete success with my sobriety, and even more so I am excited that you are doing this too!!!
I hear you. Oh. So. Completely. In terms of how I feel about myself when I am drinking. I am sick of the person I transmogrify into when I drink. I am not always a mess, by any means... and only very occasionally a semi-disaster (and definitely 'memorable' in this regard when the occasion strikes, har har)... and sometimes, maybe more often than not, even a bit of a laugh to be around. But even with the chuckles, I myself am through with the individual who appears in my place when I add the drinks to the mix. As it happens, I like to be present in my relationships - and that goes for everyday of the year (not just weekday mornings!). I also prefer to remember what I said last evening the next day (it's just handy). And shocking revelation, I have never really been fond of hangovers, truth be told (just never got the 'hang' of them, so to speak, ha!).
So this stops for me, now.
I know the feelings you describe. Guilt. Shame. Remorse. I don't think I am going out on any limbs when I say most, if not all, of the people here probably completely get where you are coming from. You are absolutely not alone; these feelings just come with the territory. My advice is just to accept them when you are feeling them, ride them out until they subside, and then move forward with what you need to do today. Those feelings don't last forever, and the steps you are taking today is empowering you to leave those feelings behind for good! Lasting change that will have a permanent, positive effect on your life is just around the corner...
I am just finishing my day 8 today. I am not even taking 10 seconds to think about my life plan for the next year, six months, or even next week (even though I do have this roughly planned out, I am not 'focusing' on it this exact moment). I am just rolling through each day and walking, ever so persistently, ever so relentlessly, towards my goal... regardless of how bleak the moment I am in might seem. Mercifully, I have had a pretty even-footed go of it this time around, so far - thinking this is the time that I put my foot down for good. You can do it to!!
You are only on day 3. Just hang in there! Keep walking towards your goal, even if you don't feel like you are getting anywhere. Putting 24 hours on the clock IS getting somewhere, even if you've simply done nothing more than veg out and watched TV that day. I need to remember all this stuff myself, as it happens.
Hang in there, InsideOut! 2010 is your year! I look forward to seeing your posts throughout the year, and wish you nothing but happiness and success in your journey.
//_wlx