Hi Deb,
When I responded to your post I didn't quite say what I meant, but I was in a hurry & though "oh, they'll all know what I mean."
However it's been playing on my mind & for whatever reason I felt like I should add something to my response.
"She called and asked me if I was mad. I said no Im not mad ..."
"How do I feel? Mad"
My life experiences as an ACOA tell me that it's incredibly important that you say what you mean to your kids.
Living with an alcoholic & a codependent as a child totally destroyed my "internal compass". It was like living in Alice's Wonderland & constantly being told my instincts were wrong. I think a big part of my adult codependent need to control everything came from this very disorienting experience. I still have a very hard time believing what anyone tells me about how they feel. At 46 I'm still terrified of trusting anyone to say what they mean & mean what they say.
It's great you were able to validate your daughter feelings so respectfully, but I also believe she needs you to validate your own.
I hope things are going OK with the situation ...
Love Helen