Enough
I have no where to go, and I desperately need to talk to someone.
I am a newlywed, married just over 3 months ago. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years. He started using cocaine about 3 years ago. I knew about his addiction when I married him, I married him anyway thinking he would beat this eventually and it wouldn't be here forever. He is 6 years older than me. He's very smart, his job is demanding, we've gone through hard times this past year due to the recession and he worked 1/4 as much as the previous 6 years in his career. We have huge financial strain, which falls on him mostly being he makes a substantial amount more than I do. He is so up and down, he's talked about how he has anxiety issues. He is on anti depressants currently and has been for about 4 months. His doctor doesn't know that he does cocaine, but she knows he drinks and told him not too unless it was very social.
He still uses cocaine occasionally, and by that I mean about 2 times a month, sometimes a few more times. He uses it by himself or with a buddy, but mostly by himself. I know his habbits and can pretty much guess or sense when he'll use. When I see him or talk to him on the phone I know instantly. I can smell it on him as well, my nose picks it up instantly.
He also drinks, a bit more than I would like. With his job he goes on a lot of lunches and their is always alochol. It's not my biggest concern, but usually it leads to him getting blow afterwards and he gives into his temptations.
He's used cocaine I think about 7 times since we were married.
Lastnight we were out with friends for New Years, and we agreed that I would be drinking (which I don't do a lot of) and he would be the DD. He had a few drinks, that's it and water the rest of the night. Well today our plan was to relax, have a glass or two of champagne (his idea). I wasn't feeling too great so I had 1/2 a glass with orange juice. He drank 3 bottles to himself, and by the afternoon I told him I was upset. He went from being very sweet and kind to a monster. He told me he was leaving and going out with his friend, called me the worst filthy names (which isn't uncommon) and raised his hand at me (he's never punched me in the face, but he's grabbed and shook me and hit my arm a few times, leaving bruises). He told me he hates me, he can't stand me, he wants to divorce me, I think I'm so much better than him, that we had discussed having champagne on NYD and that he wasn't out of line. I explained that he can't ever just have one or two glasses, he has to have a few bottles. Not that this happens a lot, but I still think it's unhealthy. I told him I was concerned about his health and well being, not to be a nagging wife. He got dressed, and left the house. I wanted to call the police because I don't think he should be driving...but I don't have the guts to do it.
Before he left he called me and my entire family down and said the most awful things you can imagine.
My brother knows about this a bit, but not to the extent of him hitting me or being rough with my physically. I haven't talked to any of my family about this at all, I have talked to one of my friends about this but haven't been very open about how bad things are since about 4 months before our wedding. I think I just felt ashamed. I called my brother a while ago but no answer, I wanted to talk to him and I was so upset and I wanted to tell him everything.
My husband and I saw a counselor before we were married for about 4 sessions. We stopped 2 weeks before our wedding and didn't go back after because of the finacial stress we were in and couldn't afford the $120 for an hour.
My husband has talked about going to rehab, but are not sure how he could. He can't miss work if he has it, and the costs are outrageous. We can't afford to pay our bills and have him go away for 2 or more weeks.
As I type this all out I can't believe how awful it all sounds. We definitely do have great moments together, and there is a lot of love and passion in our relationship. It's just not a healthy one at all and I question whether or not we are able to make it as husband and wife. We go from the highest highs and most loving moments to the most brutal moments at a flick of a switch. He is seriously depressed and stressed out. I worry about him and whether or not he will kill himself at times when he is using his drugs. As I read over all of this I know how awful this is...how brutal our relationship is. This is not healthy, this is not okay. I don't know why I put up with it. Why I continue to forgive, why I continue to push these feelings deep inside me where I don't think about them. Right now I just want him to come home and apologize and for us to be okay. How sick is that?
I also always feel like I'm the bad guy, he feels I am the one who is in the wrong and how dare I accuse him of doing something wrong? When in fact, I think anyone looking at our situation would see why I would be mad, and would find him to be wrong and the one needing to apologize. But he manipulates the situation to make it my fault. I am the peacemaker, I want everything to be okay, so I just give him. A few times I wouldn't give in, and only a couple that I can remember.
I also think he had a sex addiction. He would spend hours online looking at porn at first, and when I would find his cocaine he would do it off of a porn magazine in the bathroom. I think it's calmed down in the past year, but before I think he would spend hours watching porn while he was high.
So what are we to do? What can I possibly do? I know that I am not perfect, I know that I can change for the better in a lot of ways. I know we need to go to a counselor..but how do I find one that he will like? Because the last one told him he had to fix his addiction and the rest of our issues would be easier to fix (my lack of trust, jealousy, anger issues, etc).
Any advice would be so so appreciated. I'm at my wits end. I'm so dead inside. I find even as I finish this I'm tempted to just erase it and forget about. Pretend it's okay. I need to wake up.