Originally Posted by
dothi 
If you're feeling a little crazy, well no surprise there hon! What is the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
Thanks, dothi. I have kept my distance from February when he launched his invectives (the last straw) until now. I called because over and over, every holiday major or minor, they invite us, and when I say no thank you, they call my kids and make sure they know, and then I have to deal with the kids' disappointment. I finally called to ask why he even wants us if he 'doesn't like me' and 'can't stand being around my kids.' My husband kept saying, "Maybe he doesn't remember the things he said." Actually, this is the first time I have REALLY spoken up, rather than listening with dropped jaw while they tell me my faults.
I hoped if I insisted on speaking this time, it might be different. His reaction is clear evidence of exactly what you say.
I tried to talk to my sister a couple months ago when she 'apologized' but went on to explain her tempers both years were my fault. I ended up blocking her e-mail address.
They will alway have a reason (no matter how irrational) for telling you that your reality isn't what you say it is - including how you feel and what you've experienced. They would even tell you that you are NOT sad/depressed if you were sitting and crying right in front of them. This is why "reasoning" with them is crazy-making.
Yes. One of the things that has left me doubting myself as an adult is being told repeatedly by my mother (the non-alcoholic) why I did things. As a child, it left me very confused constantly being told by an adult that my own motives were not what I thought they were in my head.
What are you hoping your dad is going to do?
I was hoping, as it's the first time I've insisted on speaking, that he'd listen and open his mind. And now that I see he won't, I have blocked his e-mail address, too.
This struck a chord with me, as it's something I've been dealing with lately: repeating my A-parent's advice to myself for him when he's not around.
You keep repeating these words in this post: you're the bad guy. EveningRose, you need to ask yourself: do you really believe that you are the bad guy?
No, I don't. I was, as you said, stating it as their view, not as what I believe, but I do see the sense in what you say about repeating it in any way at all.
This is good. Now when are you going to quit accepting the abuse? (e.g. the accusations that you are responsible for another grown adult's temper) It's not okay - not even from family. Family is not a license for abuse.
I myself have stopped going for holidays and ended contact. What hurts right now is that they don't do these things to my kids. My kids want to go for holidays-- at least the older ones, who have been treated more kindly than the younger ones. Even now, one or two of my older kids are going to my parents' for dinner today. I fear growing old and finding my children choose my family over me. My sisters will always see me as the problem child because that's how my parents have portrayed me all these years, and I'm afraid of them doing the same to my children. My husband went over last night, and my dad lectured him about how I'm burning my bridges with them. I'm afraid they're going to say the same things to my kids today at dinner.
A friend keeps assuring me that my children love and respect me and will not reject me like that. I think I have very good relationships with all of them. They want to go to movies and out to lunch with me, even as teenagers and young adults. I have explained to them why I've finally drawn a line, some of the abuse that has gone on, and I make a point not to tell them over and over (I hated the way my mother figuratively pinned me to the wall and beat me with evil mother in law stories, to try to make sure I hated, too.)
One of the things I wonder about is this: my younger sister took my daughter for babysitting and simply never brought her home. When I called my sister and said you need to let me know next time where my daughter is, my sister not only chewed me out for 'picking a fight' (cause, yeah, I have no right to know where my daughter is), she also threw my daughter under the bus, saying, "Yell (not that I was yelling at all) at your daughter. SHE should have called you." It bothers me to see my daughter unaware that her aunt is not her friend and will not have her back when the chips are down. Does she just need to learn this on her own? I believe I will be seen as sour grapes and bad mouthing if I point this out. My sister, btw, has treated my daughter well, other than that.
Please don't think I am trying to tear you down, EveningRose. I'm absolutely not, and I know how the holidays can really stir up family emotions. You are certainly making progress, and from this corner of the interwebs it's tough
even for this complete stranger to read without feeling frustrated on your behalf. I hope you're spending this new year's eve with supportive family and friends.
No fears, dothi. I generally trust people on a site like this to have each other's best interests at heart and speak out of concern. I spent last night and today with my kids and husband, and am having a peaceful day, apart from the issue of my daughter going to my parents' for dinner.