I grew up with a screaming alcoholic mother so I know what that's about. My story is long, but let me just say that my mom's been sober for 30 years and still has issues. She is a hypochondriac since I have known her. She constantly complains from sun up to sun down. She is negative energy all around. So, I just choose not to have too much to do with her. Only once or twice a year. That's enough for me. Just because the alcohol is gone, does not mean the behavior is.
You simply can not win with them. They believe they are superior over everyone, especially their kids. I think that comes from needing that control.
But, when the kids grow up and don't allow the controlling any more, they resort to other things like blaming you for everything, or, criticizing everything you do.
I know what I am. I know who I am. I don't need or want to listen to garbage or destroy my serenity by having a negative person around me! I have a choice NOT to indulge her.
Hang in there. You are doing a GREAT job. So what if dad wants to blame you for her temper tantrums? He can deal with them. Sounds like she has rage.