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12-31-2009, 04:33 PM

# 2 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Hi EveningRose,

Nothing will change until they want to change. It's not going to be you. It's not even going to be you screaming your kids into silence. Even if you DID do everything in your power it would not be enough. Just like a couch potato who sits around eating chips and watching tv, unhealthy people have to want to get healthy. You can't run those laps for them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EveningRose

It went on and on with my dad. I stayed calm, and he just kept denying things had happened or explaining they were really my fault, anyway. All I can say is, I tried once again.

If you're feeling a little crazy, well no surprise there hon! What is the definition of insanity? Trying the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. What have you been doing? Trying to rationalize with an insane person over and over again, and being disappointed by the results!

An alcoholic is NOT a rational person (hence they see no problem with drinking too much, or treating their children like they are full-fledged adults responsible for their needs).

An alcoholic is an irrational person who has built their reality around their needs. They have constructed justifications for why they need to stay the way they are. This is why it doesn't matter what evidence you present them with in hopes of getting them to see the light. They will alway have a reason (no matter how irrational) for telling you that your reality isn't what you say it is - including how you feel and what you've experienced. They would even tell you that you are NOT sad/depressed if you were sitting and crying right in front of them. This is why "reasoning" with them is crazy-making.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EveningRose

He said he doesn't understand why I'm upset with everyone. I told him calmly because it's years of abuse, such as chasing me barefoot through snowbanks trying to kill me, blaming me for his marriage problems, telling me repeatedly throughout high school he doesn't like me and everything I do is 'half-assed,' choking me.

He denied it all and said I'm imagining things.

What are you hoping your dad is going to do? What is it you still need from him? Acknowledgement? To stick up for you? How long are you going to keep doing this even though he is not capable of giving this to you? He is not healthy and he does not know what healthy looks like (including how young boys behave - they're not going to act like little robots, they're going to act like kids). Repeat: he does not know how to be healthy for you or your kids. And until he WANTS to be healthy, he's not going to learn. Same with your sister.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EveningRose

So they invite us every holiday. I politely decline. I'm the bad guy.

This struck a chord with me, as it's something I've been dealing with lately: repeating my A-parent's advice to myself for him when he's not around.

You keep repeating these words in this post: you're the bad guy. EveningRose, you need to ask yourself: do you really believe that you are the bad guy?

Because if not, then you need to build yourself up and STOP doing your family's toxic job for them. Because you are NOT the bad guy.

This may seem a little harda$$, but if you're telling yourself this each time you walk away from a family encounter, then no wonder you feel like sh*t. I know you think you're just repeating how they see it, but if you're reminding yourself that you're the bad guy every time you stand up for yourself, then what's the difference between saying it and believing it? Tell a child they're stupid long enough and eventually they'll start to believe it. Tell yourself you're stupid long enough, and eventually why should you hope to feel any better?

Quote:

Originally Posted by EveningRose

I quit going to any family holidays at that point.

This is good. Now when are you going to quit accepting the abuse? (e.g. the accusations that you are responsible for another grown adult's temper) It's not okay - not even from family. Family is not a license for abuse.

Please don't think I am trying to tear you down, EveningRose. I'm absolutely not, and I know how the holidays can really stir up family emotions. You are certainly making progress, and from this corner of the interwebs it's tough even for this complete stranger to read without feeling frustrated on your behalf. I hope you're spending this new year's eve with supportive family and friends.