"I said no Im not mad and its ok to be angry with me. Your feelings are real and respected."
I really admire your self control & respect for you daughter. I've been through heaps of this stuff with my kids & I know it hurts like hell & how hard it is to model appropriate behaviour when you feel unfairly criticised.
If you have a professional councilor it would be great to run it past her/him.
One thing I have noticed from personal observation is that my kids tend to kick the parent they feel can take it most, rather than the parent who "deserves" it. Kids love both their parents, no matter how dysfunctional. Teenagers are so dramatic anyway - it's their job - & they tend to bring that drama & passion to everything. I have a 16 year daughter who is reading me the riot act the last few days about my choices & the consequences - & it hurts a lot to hear her "version" of the "facts".
Good luck & keep loving this young woman who is struggling to reset her compass.