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12-30-2009, 06:19 PM

# 4 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Honestly, this is why she should not have shared the letter with you. Because these are her real and genuine feelings. And because the content is so interrelated with your feelings, it is too volatile for you to receive it without being hurt. Besides, the point of the exercise was for your daughter to express her feelings; not use her feelings to try and change mom and dad.

Unfortunately it is possible that she wrote the letter for dad, hoping if he saw that she was on his side (so to speak) in terms of seeing his effort. Again, not the point of the exercise. It's very possible she's echoing his feelings. It's still very possible that she's expressing her own feelings (she may currently believe this). So it is still your job to guide her.

If she's echoing her father, then have faith that you are modelling healthy behavior, decision-making, and lifestyles for her, because it is very possibly that being in close proximity to her dad cultivates the disease of unhealthy thinking in her. I believe that alcoholism generates mental illness in its abuser, and that this mental illness can infect those close to the abuser, especially between adults and children as well as romantic partners (assuming verbal abuse is normal, for example). An aside. As an ACOA, I can feel this crazy-making reality when I am in close contact with my alcoholic father. Everything he says and does reinforces the unhealthy thinking (that I don't do enough, that I'm not good enough to make him put down the bottle and start appreciating his life, etc). This is why in order to be healthy and manage any mental infection, I distance myself from him and any other crazy-makers in the family.

ALSO: don't make the mistake of expecting emotional support from your daughter. I'm not saying you can't have any - just don't have the expectation. It violates the parent-child relationship, as she is not there to support you but to continue in her own growing. You are already doing the right thing by coming here, so this is just a healthy reminder that you're doing it right.

If she's NOT echoing her father, then have faith that you are still modelling healthy behavior, decision-making, and lifestyles for her, and that the need is urgent because your AH's mental infection is spreading to her. Until she can have the chance to think for herself, free of an environment where her thoughts are forced to be the same as dad's (unhealthy immeshment, I was also this way with my alcoholic dad when I was a teen), the infection will stand its ground and make healthy progress that much more difficult.

End point: stop taking it personally - she is still growing. Please understand that you are still her mom and that you still need to provide guidance for her. Her negative feedback is NOT a reflection of you. You are not failing in your task to provide a healthy environment. And do continue to surround yourself with tons of support. You are still absolutely moving in the right direction