My Daughter (heavy sigh)
A couple of weeks ago my daughter (18) and I went to the book store. She got a workbook for teens going thru divorce. She really likes it. One of the excersizes was to write a letter to your parents. The book also said this letter could or could not be shared. She chose not to share it. Which is fine.
Since AH refuses to get another car,(deer accident) my daughter and him share the car. He came over to give her the car so she could go to work. When I got home she called and didnt sound so good. Well it seems she shared the letter with her Father and said to me read the letter.
She is very angry with me. The whole entire letter was about me. Why did I choose to separte from her Father now? Why dont I see that he is going to meetings and trying to change? Why dont I see that he has such feelings now? Why dont I care? On and on. The part for him was about how proud she was that he was working a program. Nothing was said about how she grew up. Not one word about his drinking effecting the family.
Now I know these are her feelings and I respect them. She called and asked me if I was mad. I said no Im not mad and its ok to be angry with me. Your feelings are real and respected.
How do I feel? Mad (this is the only place I can get this out) The thoughts of all the years of the crazyness that she seen and lived. I feel as tho he is talking the talk but not walking the walk. Has he snowed her? I understand she is angry because I finally got off my behind and did something to benefit me. But Im still at a loss. This seems like a ploy to use her to get to me. To let him back in the house. Another way to try to control what I do or feel. Im not letting him back.
Maybe she need to read co-depenent too. I get she is upset that her family is falling apart. If I didnt do this I was going to fall apart. I never once thought I would feel this way about her. Feeling like she is taking his side, feeling like the bad guy once again. Of course she lived the life, but I must have did a good job hiding some of the horrible things said and done. Dunno?
Mabye I taught her how to enable people. Maybe Im just caught up in the anger still. I want nothing to do with him. It also makes me feel like we should be having a parade becuase he is going to meetings. Where is my parade for all the grief all these years? Where is my reward for going to work nuts in the head, keeping a roof over our head, hiding my feelings and almost dieing inside. Yep can you tell Im just a little angry? Ok enough rambling for now. Thanks so so much for listeing to me.
Where is the spell check too? Jeez