I think it was on this site I was told there's NOTHING that can be done with an alcoholic family. I am child #2, and it was seeing the chart (probably here) on roles in alcoholic families and child #2 being the scapegoat that finally opened my eyes completely.
The background is a sister who wanted to host the perfect family holidays, and ended up both years screaming, once at my daughter, once at me. I am once again the bad guy for refusing to go a third time. My entire family takes the attitude that I am to blame for her rage and if I were just a better mother, this wouldn't have happened. (Lots of people think I'm a great mother, btw.)
Since my dad informed me her tempers were my fault, and went on to tell me my kids are out of control (no, they're just a bunch of little boys who are still learning and I DEFINITELY am teaching, and my older kids are proof I'm doing it well); that I'm a hypocrite because his daughters who don't go to church don't have these problems, that he 'doesn't like the new me,' and 'can't stand being around my kids.' There was actually quite a bit more than that. When I pointed out my sister has a long history of rages and melt-downs, he just denied it. When I pointed out that I don't scream at people, he said that's because THEY are not annoying. He ordered me to 'teach my children properly,' and be more sociable at the next holiday (my sister, in contrast was screaming at me that I talk too much) and to help with the serving and cleaning up (I always have.) And do it all while keeping a whole bunch of boys quiet for hours on end.
I quit going to any family holidays at that point. The only possible way to accomplish this much control is to scream at my boys the way my parents screamed at me, and I refuse to do that.
So they invite us every holiday. I politely decline. I'm the bad guy. Tonight I finally called and asked, "Why do you want us there if you don't like me and can't stand being around my kids?" He denied saying it, and for him, as long as he denies it, end of problem.
He continued to insist my kids are 'out of control' although I pointed out they have never knocked out street lights, thrown dummies in front of cars, or ended up in juvie for theft like him and his brothers. Doesn't matter. They're loud sometimes and they run sometimes.
He said he doesn't understand why I'm upset with everyone. I told him calmly because it's years of abuse, such as chasing me barefoot through snowbanks trying to kill me, blaming me for his marriage problems, telling me repeatedly throughout high school he doesn't like me and everything I do is 'half-assed,' choking me.
He denied it all and said I'm imagining things.
As a side note, my sister took my older daughter for babysitting a few months ago and simply never brought her home! More than 24 hours later (I had been at work and thought she was home), I had to call around and find her. She wasn't with my sister at all. I asked my sister to call next time and let me know where my daughter is. Didn't yell, just a polite request. My sister had the gall to start shouting at me that obviously I was mad and just trying to pick a fight. This is the way they behave and can't understand why I have a problem with it. Go figure.
I think I'll stop there. It went on and on with my dad. I stayed calm, and he just kept denying things had happened or explaining they were really my fault, anyway. All I can say is, I tried once again. My conscience is clear.
I believe I have done everything in my power, short of screaming my kids into silence, and I believe it's true. There's NOTHING that can be done to make this a good situation for all of us. I would very much like to move away, but we uprooted everything 5 years ago to give the kids family, thinking things were better. We can't really afford to do it again, in addition to the fact that I like being home among former friends and other family, and don't want to have to move.
I am getting much better, though, at seeing this as their problem, rather than believing I'm all the things they say I am.
Happy New Year to everyone!
