Calluna

I'm in a painful situation after an ambiguous breakup with an ACOA partner. While the breakup was very much definite at the time (him breaking it off, me crying and yelling), we've talked about things since and agreed that while we both need time and space apart for now, while he addresses his problems and I do some thinking of my own, we both want to discuss getting back together after some time's passed. So that's where we are at the moment.

Here's the problem: I love this guy and would really like to make it work in the future if possible. On the other hand, he's clearly got bigger problems than I'd realised - and I don't know anywhere near enough about ACOA behaviour and healing to know what I'd be signing up for if we got back together. I'm happy to be supportive, but I need to think of myself as well.

So. For the most part, we had a great, happy relationship and were very much in love. His alcoholic parent died a year before we met, and he was still struggling with the tail-end of depression when we first got together, although he seemed to climb out of it really fast (in retrospect, too fast - it seems like he's never really grieved). He did have some behaviours I thought were quite strange, though, and it's not until fairly recently that I've learnt they're all fairly typical behaviours of ACOAs. Obviously knowing that isn't a magic button to fix it, but it has given me some new insights into how his thought patterns work.

There were only a couple of issues we had problems with in the relationship. One was his difficulty in having 'tough conversations' (anything that involved discussing what he felt/wanted or anything he'd done other than the totally positive) - in the beginning he'd shut down completely, just freeze with a blank, expressionless face and sit in silence. Sometimes he'd say "I can't answer you, I don't know what you want me to say," as though he thought I had some lines I wanted him to recite or something. He gradually got better at this over time, though, and started to get better at admitting his needs without feeling guilty and accepting that I wasn't going to 'come to my senses and leave' (in his words) any time we disagreed about anything. But, there was other stuff - about his simultaneous desire to change his life and absolute terror about going through with that change - that was causing more of a problem, and I ended up giving him an ultimatum: if you break your next promise on us moving in together (something he'd twice suggested, got really enthusiastic about, and then backed out of as soon as the plans started looking more concrete), I'll leave.

Things were going fine - he was even starting to talk a little bit about his alcoholic parent drinking too much and that causing problems - and then he started struggling with depression (triggered, I'm fairly sure, by the anniversary of his alcoholic parent's death and him organising several commemorative events), started closing down completely on what he felt, and then one day he just… collapsed. Told me he had to break up with me because he wasn't ready to move in with me, didn't know why, wasn't able to talk about or acknowledge how he felt, didn't know why, and said he couldn't stand to keep hurting me. Said he was 'broken', needed to face that once and for all, and needed to be totally on his own to fix himself. He said he was going to start seeing a counsellor. He said he still loved me and would like to think we could be together in the future when he was fixed, but that he needed to face this alone.

I still love him and miss him like mad, of course, and I worry about him even though I know there's nothing I can do to fix this for him. I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself right now, picking up new hobbies and spending a lot of time with my friends (many of whom keep telling me he's just evil and to forget him… ai).

So, after all that, here's the questions I've been asking myself:
- Given that he seems confused about what his problem is (just that he's 'broken') and that he doesn't talk about his parent's alcoholism, is a counsellor even going to be able to help him?
- If he does get the help he needs, is it possible we could have a good relationship in the future?
- Since he's always been really good at hiding his true state of mind (from himself as well as everyone else), if he comes back looking better and says he's dealing with his problems and recovering, how will I know he's not just brushed them under the carpet again? Is it reasonable to say 'I'm happy to try again, but only if you're in counselling/you tell me in detail what you think your problems are/etc'?
- How come he can devote so much of his time and emotional energy to 'looking after' his nonalcoholic parent (who doesn't need looking after in any way), even at the expense of his own needs and happiness, but he can't cope with a relationship with me? (I know, this is a pointless and pathetic thing to ask...)
- And finally: can this ever be fixed in any sense? I know I'm not responsible for his happiness, but I'd still hate to think of him being miserable his whole life.