Well, things are very blah.
We argued up until Christmas, he's still drinking, he asked me not to say anything about the drinking for 3 days. (christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day)
On boxing day I was at his apartment, as his family was going over, as well as his daughter and my other 3 kids.
I was feeling depressed that day, as I still hadn't seen my extended family which was a first for me and I'm 33 yrs old, it was really hard. I don't talk to my extended family much anymore and I miss them terribly.
I admit I was a bit short with my ABF that day, and I asked for some space. But he'd keep coming up to me asking for a hug or a kiss, or grabbing at me.
Which, for me, makes matters worse. I just needed some space, some time to calm down, not to be smothered.
He took it as a personal attack.
When his family was there I was pleasant, kind, sat and talked to them etc. I cleaned up his dishes for him etc.
I don't recall what happened, but we had a small disagreement, plus my little guy was exhausted, so I decided to leave.
Since I left that night, ABF and I have only spoken via text message.
I feel like I've given up emotionally, and I think I feel that I've emotionally detatched because I know he's never going to quit drinking.
I don't know.
I kind of wish I could be head over heels about him and give it my all, and support him and be there for him.
But I'm detatching, and I can't seem to stop.
He gets on my case about me not ever saying "I love you" to him. Part of knows I don't say it because most of our time is spent arguing!
He said he wants us both to go to counselling in the new year, with tomorrow being the day he sets up an appointment.
I do not know how I feel about this, but I do not forsee anything good coming from it.
Lately he hasn't had any episodes of acting drunk, not a lot of anger. But still, the drinking daily continues.
We had a discussion Christmas day about this. He said "The other night I only had 4 beers, that's not drinking!"
I said "Yes it is! You were drinking, so it's DRINKING!"
He said "You're not going to be happy until I stop completely are you?"
I said "Right"
I am just so conflicted right now. (am I ever anything else?)
Do I live with it? But he's drinking everyday! The kids will still see it everyday! The other day my 6 year old opened a bag of recyclables to add a paper, and she said "It smells like beer in here!"
My heart sank...a 6 year old shouldn't know what beer smells like.
I want a guy who'll have a tea with me, or a pop out at a restaraunt with dinner, or go to the local coffee shop and grab a couple coffees and some donuts.
Even if he minimizes the drinking...I don't know if I can handle the daily drinking. Is it normal? To go home and have 6 "tall boys"? (larger cans of beer)
I just don't know.
My head is so clouded right now.
