hollygoheavy

Greetings, I will make this as "condensed" as possible.. I met a man 2 years ago whom I fell in love with, he told me 4 days after we met that he was 6 months into the AA program, I knew nothing of alcohol addiction and thought it commendable that he was taking control of his life. He was very open to me drinking wine, infact he would buy it for me, he told me that he was completely recovered and was not tempted to drink in the least.

6 months into our relationship he felt that I was drinking "too much" (I was drinking the same amount, a few glasses of wine a day), he started to give me ultimatums, which I though were unfair. I choose to keep my wine bottle under the cupboard thinking that if it was out of sight maybe this would be the answer, he then was convinced that I had a drinking problem as I was hiding the wine bottle! He told me I was “cheating on him”. I took my children on vacation and while I was away he called me and told me "it was over", I was shocked and devastated as I loved him very much. While we were broken up (for 2 weeks) he proceeded to take another woman out on a date but then started contacting me explaining that he had made a mistake, and was very sorry about "everything", we got back together.

I decided to not drink, to make him happy, he actually convinced me that I had a drinking problem and I tagged along to the odd meeting with him to show him that was supporting him and was “aware” of the “slippery slope”. 3 months later my best friend visited me, she brought a small bottle of red wine to celebrate her birthday, after our lovely visit I put the wine bottle in the recycle bin. He found the bottle and freaked out, he told me that I had "cheated on him, again". That weekend I had planned a 4 day vacation for us to celebrate his birthday, the trip took alot of planning and was quite expensive, as he held the "evidence" (wine bottle) proudly in the air he stated that he was not going on the trip and was leaving me (again), I was incredibly devastated, I decided to take the trip alone as it was non refundable and non-transferable, I felt so alone, hurt and sad on the trip.

A few weeks after the trip he started contacting me again, he wanted to work things out... I understood that he had "issues" and felt strongly that he was projecting them onto me, but I was in love with him and unfortunately the kind of girl who is committed to a relationship, so I got back together with him. WHAT WAS I THINKING??

The next few months were difficult, I seemed to be on "probation" with him, and was constantly walking on eggshells as to not rock the boat. We communicated about my "drinking", and I assured him that I would be completely open and honest about every drink I had, he seemed fine with this, I would have an occasional glass of wine and that was it. I could never figure out why he was perfectly fine with the amount his daughter, sisters, and generally anybody else drank, but had a problem with mine! I would consider myself a social drink, NEVER "drunk", sick, hungover, EVER.

About 8 weeks ago he met a woman at CA, I could not figure out why he was at a cocaine anonymous meeting as he had never done cocaine, I am guessing he met this woman at an AA meeting and followed her there..? He told me that I would like her as she was very attractive, well dressed, and drove a BMW, I thought this was odd. He started taking classed at the gym with her, I was uncomfortable with this because he seemed very anxious to get to the classes and I was aware that they were now texting back and forth on a regular basis, he took me to one of the classes and she gave me the dirtiest look! My intuition told me that she had a thing for him. she was dating a man from the program who broke up with her 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend made a special trip to her workplace to give her some literature on the "ego" to help her through the break-up.. I tried to understand that this was something that people in the program do to support another in need, but my intuition was peaking..

2 weeks ago my boyfriend returned from his family vacation down south, I should mention that he was VERY attentive to telling me how much he loved me and missed me, emailing 3 times a day. Upon his return we went for a class at the gym and she came running up to him (she is always "running" as she has ADHD) and jumped on top of him straddling her legs around him!! I was very uncomfortable with this, and he said he was also... she seemed put off that I was there with him... I should mention that I took a class with her when he was on vacation, out of the blue she told me that "he was not her "type" -waving her hands frantically in the air..

The next day she called me, when her heard her voice I thought she was calling to apologies for "jumping him" but instead she was asking if it would be ok if he presented her with her 2 year medallion at CA, I said.... I was not comfortable with her calling him, texting him, taking classes with him, and did not understand how she felt he was qualified to present her with this medallion... I thought I handled the situation as politely as possible. I called my boyfriend and told him of the conversation and asked if he would mind not taking classes with her, or texting her on a regular basis, although I was okay with them bumping into each other at meetings... He said fine but later in the evening he told me that he was very upset that he could not present her with the medallion as it was a great "honor", I thought that perhaps he should be "honoring" the woman he professed to love, me. He made me feel that I had "issues" and that I was trying to control him...

10 days ago I ended up in the hospital with high fever and chills, he stated to the doctors that they should be checking my pancreas, he fancies himself an expert on this (and everything else) as he had pancreatitis before he landed in the program, clearly he was still trying to prove that I had a drinking problem, after a cat scan it was evident that it was my gallbladder. Other than this he was wonderful while I was in the hospital, taking care of me and the kids. The night before I was released he went through my garbage in the garage and found a receipt for 4 bottles of wine I purchased while he was on vacation, he circled the date and left the receipt under a wine glass on the counter, I never had a chance to show him the 3 wrapped bottles of wine I had purchased (as per the receipt) as Christmas gifts… He picked me up from the hospital the next morning, held my hand, told he how much he loved me, put me in bed at home and in a near coma state told me “it was over” I asked him why and he said he did not want to talk about it, I was too sick to deal with it and he just walked out on me, again.

I know for a fact that he spent Christmas with her, I was shocked that he could profess his love to me and then so quickly get together with her for the holidays, I was devastated and hurt.

I have not heard a word from him other than an email hours after he left that read “I pray and hope that you find the happiness you deserve”. I am shocked that I was dumped for a woman who has a reputation of being a huge flirt, and a “nutcase” by any-one who knows her. I believe that he thinks that they are on the “same path”, however neither have shown ANY sense of “spirituality” that they both claim to be exuding with. He was always reading the big book, attending meeting and reading all kinds of spiritual books, but his behavior towards me was quite the opposite.

There were clues from the beginning that I should have been more “aware of”, he never wanted to be alone (other than work), he never until recently had a place of his own, he rented rooms at friends houses when he was not living in woman’s home, his previous relationships only lasted a few months, and had may x –girl friends that he still texted constantly, he seemed to require constant validation from other women. When he did move into our home it never felt like he “lived” here, he did not keep toiletries in the bathroom etc… at 47 he had no desire to purchase a property, he owned no furniture when I met him, only clothing, a coffeemaker and a box full of correspondence from all his X’s. He always needed to be right rather than happy, he constantly told me I did not know how to effectively communicate (he is s Lawyer and I felt I was on “the stand” for most of our conversations). He felt that I was constantly jealous of other woman in his life, although I felt that he did not have boundaries when it came to them, ie: last Christmas eve he was outside taking pictures of the snow for his X girlfriend who live in California while I was inside entertaining his daughter.

Why did I take him back so many times?? I loved him (ugggg) and desperately wanted to make it work (obviously there were great qualities about him), we had great chemistry together (if you know what I mean) we enjoyed traveling together, shopping, cooking, etc…

I would consider myself very intelligent and confident although at this moment I feel like an absolute idiot with a broken heart. I feel used and hurt, how could he move on so quickly with this woman after telling me how much he loved me and saying he could see himself spending the rest of life with me just days before???
I feel horribly used…. Now I understand why he wanted me help him shop for new underwear and cologne last month, I helped him pick out these things that were meant for her, not me. I feel so horribly sad that I was so committed to a man that clearly did not love me, or respect me. My head knows the reality, but my heart aches. Perhaps my lesson is that I need to honor myself and not allow myself to be used by such a man, unfortunate, he is gifted Lawyer who knew the right moves and words to keep me strung along, I now see how manipulative and dishonest he has been despite the fact that according to him EVERTHING was my fault.

I am guessing that him getting involved with this woman in the program will not last long and he will in the very least want to make amends to me (or perhaps 2 people in recovery work????) All I know is that I am in no way ready to forgive him. I just feel completely confused……………..

Thank-you for listening..