Hi ME
He was mean....just like always, and disgusting just like always....so why is it when he leaves I feel alittle lost and uncertain
I can only speak from my experiences, and I can relate to your confusion. My answer lies in the fact that my AH confused me, tore me down with his riddles and BS and blame shifting and all those typical things an alcoholic does for so long that I doubted myself and didn't know who I was outside of the context of that relationship. Everything else was secondary.
For me, I had to physically leave him, once the abuse got so painful I didn't want to try anymore.
It started with placing boundaries. Saying to him, "You will not speak to me this way," and walking away. Once I moved out, that process simplified because I could hang up the phone if he started.
It took a great deal of self control to learn to have faith in myself and my ability to be happy outside of the marraige, which is really paradoxical considering I had no happiness within the marriage. Not until I got away from him.
However. We were separated for 4 months last year while he lived with his affair partner and during that time I was horribly unhappy when he was gone. Affairs really do a number on you. I worked hard, and you can too, to replace your thoughts of confusion wtih determination.
I stopped focusing on him. Started making a daily plan that required me to draw on my strength and determination. I go to bikram yoga, where they tell you things like, "make up your mind to do this and do it, keep your determination, look how strong you are."
It changes your view of yourself.
You'll sort it out. Keep coming here, keep going to al anon if you do.