First welcome to SR Blackbird.
I struggle with my idea of a higher power, but I do believe that someone must be looking out for me-
What I bolded is all it takes to begin, as already said, many of us struggle with the concept for the very reasons that Stereosteveo mentioned and others, just take the concept you have now and go for it!!!
I'm assuming this means that I would have to go to an 'open' meeting first??
Absolutely not! Are you an alcoholic?
I am an alcoholic and I've struggled with anxiety and depression/substance abuse since I was a teenager. I may not drink EVERY day but I drink most days and when I do I seldom stop until the bottle (or bottles) are empty.
Well you already answered that, all it takes to go to a "Closed" meeting is the self knowledge that one is an alcoholic! All it takes to be a member of AA is a desire to stop drinking.
Sarah from your post it sure sounds as though you have that desire to stop drinking.
Now this is just my opinion based upon my experience in AA, if you go to a "Closed" meeting, a ladies would probably be best and simply say "Hi, I am Sarah & I am an alcoholic & I am seeking help in staying sober a whole new world will open for you.
Stereosteveo said it well:
Recovery is not learning how not to drink, but learning how to cope without it.
For me I reached the point where I only had one solution for everything.......... alcohol!!! Well that solution after years of drinking was no longer a solution for me, it became a pathway to the gates of Hell.
In order to stay sober after detox I had to find a NEW solution!
The solution I and millions of others have found is to be the Program of AA & the fellowship of AA.
The fellowship was the people in AA who shared thier experience strength and hope with me in how they lived thier lifes sober applying the steps to all areas of their life. They shared with me how they lived thier lifes on lifes terms sober.
The program of AA is contained in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous with the 12 steps. This I view as a path to follow and then apply to all areas of my life on a daily basis, this I have found to be the solution.
I initially took these steps with the guidance of a sponsor, they allowed me to clean up the wreckage of my past, discover the person I really am, & a path to allow me to become a better person, they lead me to find & develop a relationship with a Higher Power of my choice and understanding, that gives me the power I need to do his will and to help others to recover from thier alcoholism.
As a result of taking the steps, I have been freed of the bonds of my alcoholism and myself, they allow me to be of maximum service to others, both fellow alcoholics and others.
Sara the path is not an easy one at first, but if you remain honest, open minded, & willing to go to any lengths you will find as you take the steps and stay sober that staying sober does become easier, that your life will become more managable, and your sanity will be restored.
Will life become a bed of roses? Heck no, but as life problems arise you will find an ability to deal with it one day at a time.