Sara
Congratulations on reaching out. Never quit and you will find a world beyond your imagination.
Can you get to a meeting? If you can don't miss a day. Your feet will dictate your true desire to stay sober, not your mind.
I struggled with the whole Higher Power as did many of us.
Here's where I've screwed up:
1. Trying to figure out God.
2. Trying to figure out the steps, the book, the people, the disease, myself..
Here's what I've learned through my experience:
1. God reveals himself to us through the steps and the magic happens.
2. There is nothing to figure out.
I know how you are feeling 2 days sober.
There's a saying in recovery that goes like this:
"We feel better when we are sober."
...We feel pain better..we feel lonliness better...we feel anger better...we feel (fill in the blanks) better...
Recovery is not learning how not to drink, but learning how to cope without it. I'm here to tell you it is entirely possible and you can do it. If I can do it anyone can. All I can tell you is I am the guy who could not stop drinking, period. It can be very rough emotionally at first.
But this is why we need:
Meetings
Sponsor
The Book
Prayer
Phone Numbers
SoberRecovery.com
(the list is endless really)
Now that you have 2 days go find someone with 1 day. See how you can help them. Even if it's just listening. It will help you more than anything.
Don't try to do it perfectly. Just make a commitment to keep trying NO MATTER WHAT! If you drink again, and I hope you don't have to, although I did, don't beat yourself up. Just try listening closer for the solution.