I miss the clean him that actually is able to ressurect ever few weeks, sometimes for weeks or months at a time. but I am done, and I don't miss the pain and the fear and the churning and anxiety that I am feeling now.
You seem to have good awareness of your feelings and this situation, and I'm sorry that it all brings sadness. When I read what you posted above, my first thought was that it is a big price to pay for sporadic moments of happiness.
And I know you already know that addiction is a progressive disease so it's not likely to get better any time soon. Perhaps you are going through a grief process, and if so that's normal when we lose our dreams a the person we love to addiction. And there is no easy way to work through grief, we just have to look it in the eye and walk through it. But it does get better, we do heal and life can become worth living again. I know that's how it was for me when I had to accept my son's addiction.
My heart goes out to you, it isn't always easy to do the right thing, but it is still the right thing.
Keep taking care of yourself, and know that we're here and we care.
Hugs