Originally Posted by Pelican

KP,

This is from our sticky post About Recovery. It is information posted by Morning Glory and found in the link about "hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships"

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."

The only person that has the power to keep me sober is myself. I tried to make my exhusband my personal life coach (he didn't volunteer). He wasn't equipped to handle my life and his too. He had his own issues with alcohol yet I thought we could do this together. When he didn't offer me the support I WANTED, I resented him. I wanted to keep my dirty little secret private. Let's not share this with anyone outside the family. Keep it just between us.

My expectations of him were unrealistic. They were unhealthy. I found that the best source of support for me in sobriety was other recovering alcoholics. People who understood my cravings, my attempts at manipulation, people with the guts to call me on my BS, etc. My friends and family were able to let me know they were happy about my decision, but that is the only support they were able to offer.

When I divorced my active alcoholic husband, he finally decided to get sober and asked me for help. I was a recovering alcoholic. I should be able to help another alcoholic, right? No. I was still working on me, I couldn't offer him the support I knew he would need to overcome something so powerful. He would need someone of the same gender who understood his hormones, thoughts, reactions, and pressures. He needed a sponsor.

Your ABF is asking you to be his nanny/sponsor. Are you equipped emotionally, spiritually and physically for this role?

You did great in recognizing that he was drinking when he called you with this BS and not allowing him to come over.

My ex tried to insert his plea for my help during any conversation we had about our divorce and child. I told him I would not listen to his requests for my help and one more chance. Then I would hang up. I hung up every time he went there. I only had to hang up about 5 times. He got the message.

Going NO Contact with an active alcoholic is for your serenity. It is not about denying them help. The alcoholic knows where to get help.

I really recommend NO Contact. Especially after 5 p.m. (happy hour).